So I'm pretty damn good looking. I'm a young, educated, well rounded (and I'm not just talking about my curves), beautiful woman. I've got everything a guy could ever want or need. I'd make a great girlfriend and a damn good wife and mother one day. But like so many other of my extremely eligible friends- I am single.
There may be a lot of fish in the sea, but somebody put something in the water cause there's something wrong with all the fish I'm seeing. So guys, I'm gonna help you out. I'm gonna tell you what will make it or break it for me and probably a lot of other women my age.
1. Beard. You could be bald. You could be hairy. You could be a 2 on the scale of attractiveness, but if you have a beard you instantly jump to the top of my list and I won't be able to take my eyes off you or your beard (which inevitably will lead to your face and eyes and all that good eye contact stuff).
2. Nice shoes. I'm talking about a good pair of dapper shoes. And if you don't know what dapper means, just forget it. We wouldn't have worked out anyway.
3. Smell good. Now most guys are pretty good about this, but when you're not...it's depressing. I will follow a guy around the mall just to trail his scent for a little while longer. Creepy? A little, but wouldn't you want a girl like me following you? Yes. Ok. Moving on.
4. Make me laugh. Pretty self explanatory.
5. Don't be a cocky, self-righteous, ass-hole.
1. VIDEO GAMES!!!!!!! I am very generous. (One of my many great winning qualities) So I, unlike many women, will allow you ONE Nerd-Card. If you want to dress up like a warlock on the weekends and play dungeons and dragons- Fine. But you cannot do that and have Star Wars shit. But, if when I talk to you and I'm getting to know you and you feel the need to bring up your love of video games in the summary of your identity, I just want you to know that all the warning signs in my head are flashing like a bomb alert.
2. Dirty. Good hygene guys. I'm not talking about you coming home to me all covered in mud from working on the tractor all day. THAT DOES NOT OFFEND ME. But, I'm talking good, everyday hygene. The stuff your momma tried to teach you.
3. Don't take forever to ask me out. The longer you take, the more I lose interest. It comes across as you not having the balls to go after what you want. Sorry. It is what it is.
4. You're a cocky, self-righteous ass-hole.
And that's pretty much it. See, I'm not that hard to win over. I'm not that picky. Just get your shit together and call me already. Okay? Thanks!