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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

I think I'm done

I've been trying to blog for some months now. So many posts left unfinished or abandoned all together. It's not that there has been an absence of inspiration, but that inspiration would always bring about thoughts or feelings that I was always unwilling or uneager to share with the public. Sometimes such ugliness and jadedness and disdain would surface in these posts and sometimes such delicate beauty would emerge; both were private and were handled accordingly. Enough posts like that and one begins to think. 
That's why I don't think I'll be blogging anymore. 

I've wrestled with this resolution for quite sometime. If my blog was made of ink and paper, I'd of set it on fire a hundred times by now. But I finally came to some peace in it when I discovered the great disagreement between the way I communicate in person and the way I communicate on my blog. 

When I am with someone, it is not until I feel safe that I even consider sharing my heart (my feelings, my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas) and I don't utter them until I have some sense that the hearer feels safe as well; and it is by their comfort level that I temper what and how much of myself that I share. But when it comes to blogging, my ideas are my ideas and, although consideration for the reader is taken into some account, I operate from an isolated safety- safety in the distance and the disconnect. I can say whatever I want really and if you don't like it, well then, you don't have to read it; and you, well you can reject me and my ideas without ever having to face me. 

Now let me take this time to say that I, in no way, am against blogging. My life has been saved and shaped by blog posts that I still cling to. This blog even, has been a saving grace- helping me to process and to find my voice again when I had lost and forgotten it. I owe a huge debt to blogs! 

But I am no longer in a place where I find myself needing to process from a place of isolated safety, I find myself needing and wanting to process with people- my people; people who make me feel safe and heard as well as people who graciously entice and stretch my thinking, tantalizing me with new perspectives and sharper questions. I want conversations. I want connection. I want to see your face and hear your voice, to feel your presence and be affected by it. 

I feel as if I am Truman, having found the very limits of the world which was created for him, The Truman Show, and leaving it to find the world that lives outside his own. Perhaps I'll need to process this way again someday, I'm sure I will. But for now, I think I'm done. 

Come and find me someday. Let's have a cup of coffee. Let's talk. Let's feel each others presence and engage with words that are not our own.